On not writing

Recently, someone mentioned they noticed that I wasn't writing as much. I had no idea this person even paid any attention to my public journaling and it was flattering that they had enjoyed reading thoughts that I put into text. Also nerve wracking. Because putting all this (envision me gesturing wildly at my brain and facial expressions) online for the past dozen years has made me vulnerable beyond what I realized. I'm sure it's obvious, but I don't much edit or proof read and these aren't always my best articulations. It's an old fashioned brain dump, diary style. 

I reflected that yes, it's true. I don't write as much. Haven't for years now. I've been trying to figure out why. To be sure, Instagram did swoop in and capitalize on the easy post and caption market and I succumbed. As for more in depth tap-tapping of the key board into paragraphs on the screen . . . it's not that I don't have the time. There is all the time in the world for the most important things. So thinking out loud here, why I haven't prioritized my own writing for some time? 

Number one is probably that I am plain old lazy. By the time in the day it is my turn for 1) the computer and 2) my own thoughts, well, I'm worn out and want nothing more than to veg on the couch passively consuming someone else's story. 

Secondly, I feel as if many of the topics I would write about are not my own, more than ever before. There is always someone else involved and I feel ever more caution about privacy as my children become more independent from me. I would rather be accused of being too cautious walking that line than stray into anything resembling exploitative.

Third, I've never had much interest in global events or serious topics. I am so wrapped up in the little details of my own personal every day. I think I have less and less to say as the world gets bigger and scarier. I'm letting it drown out my tiny voice. 

In times of personal crisis I've been the quietest, again wanting to be careful and sure of what will stay in black and white long after I am gone. I dread the thought of my child having to carry a carelessly worded burden that is not of their creation (they'll make/happen upon enough of their own)

And yet, I keep my ramblings going. Every one who knows me well gets the, ahem, privilege of hearing more than they ever really desired to know about my stream of consciousness. I am working on that filter.

I imagine that, in true Rachel fashion, here I have just said a lot about not saying a lot. 

I'm saying all this because I have felt the lack. My journey the past 12 years of parenthood has had phases of losing and finding and remaking myself. I could wax on about the ebbs and flows. I have changed, I have grown. I like to think I'm more me than I ever was before. Still, I have let parts of myself lie dormant and I want to be ready to wake them again. 

Christmas at Grandma's 2019

Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's is always so good. I'm still surprised every time by the sunshine and the perfect weather and citrus season but I never complain! The kids love being with their cousins SO MUCH and pretty much disappear into play until it's time to eat one meal or another. I love that Christmas at the grandparents' is the perfect mix of going out and about and keeping very busy having fun and down time to sit and talk and laugh. Always laugh.

I decided about three days before we left for Orange County that I wanted to make matching cousin PJs. I don't know why I figured that was a good thing to add into the preparations but I had fun and barely made my deadline. The kids were good sports and wore them happily. They were really cute, although better suited for Norway with the cosy and warm flannel. Next time maybe I'll re-do with a light cotton. Ha!

Grandparents gave the gift of a Disney day but crazily the children begged not to go but to play with their cousins with their Christmas toys so (most of) the adults--and Henry!--went instead. It was probably one of my favorite Disneyland trips ever. We ate the most amazing food and weren't hurried and got to shower Henry with all the attention when he wasn't asleep in the stroller. It was a great day. And it was Collin's and my anniversary (which number??) and it was interesting to think back on all the times we've been together since our dating days. I never would have thought that place would be such a part of our story. 

Our gift to grandma this year was fancy tea at the Langham hotel with just the girls. It was so yummy and elegant. 

Eliza's Doll

 

Eliza received a (hand-me-down) American Girl doll for Christmas. I remember getting my Kirsten doll when I'd already pretty much outgrown dolls--but I remember it being such a big deal to get a 'real' doll. It was a Christmas gift from my grandmother, who loved dolls. Bee would have been thrilled to see Eliza's response to the doll. I keep getting confirmation that they are kindred spirits and were/will be best friends in heaven. 

It was adorable to watch how much Liza Bee loves this doll. Eliza said the cutest thing later that day, after she'd had the doll for about eight hours. She said, "Now I finally know what it feels like to have my very own doll!" She named the doll Isabelle and still sleeps with her every night. When asked what she missed most about home when we were in Utah for two months, every time her answer was, "I miss Isabelle." I'd told her not to bring the doll because we'd only planned to be gone a couple weeks and there would be so many toys at Nana's house. I don't know if she'll listen to my advice ever again.

I get a kick out of this picture of the opposite teeth.

Nana helped her make doll clothes and I made her matching skirts.

And, just because it's so sweet, Eliza's real life doll, patient Henry.

Nine Months Out--Henry and Mom on the Beach

Remember when we didn't know who was inside and we called the baby 'Littleberry'? Here we were at 9 months of growing. It was a beautiful Sunday late afternoon on the beach and I asked Collin to take some maternity portraits for me. I wanted to see what the beautiful was when I couldn't even imagine feeling it. I've mentioned before, this pregnancy was hard on me. I struggled a lot. Seeing these pictures helped me remember that this time was special and (very importantly) temporary.

Where every day of pregnancy felt like a year, each day of Henry's little life felt like a blink of an eye. Here we are, nine months later on the same beach. With much more predictable Northern California weather conditions! I think it's funny that the weather shown in these pictures is exactly opposite of how my emotions were doing. Similarly, the joy I felt the moment he was born and most moments since is immeasurably opposite of the depression I wrestled with in pregnancy. I'm so glad Collin was game for playing photographer again. Our little blue eyed, blonde haired California baby and I, at a happy place.

Christmas (At Home) 2019

 

No matter where we spend Christmas proper (with one side of the family or the other, or traveling, or otherwise) we always want to spend a weekend in December or January doing our own little family traditions. This year we got to welcome the Dollahite grandparents into the festivities. Nana taught Eliza (and retaught me!) how to make Pulla *Finish bread*. We had our 'Nephite' dinner on the day we marked for Christmas Eve, then dressed up and acted out the Nativity. Davy even accompanied some of our carols on the piano. Eliza had a few extra scenes she wanted to add to the play--a dramatic angelic rescue of the baby for one. Eddy was dignified and focused as both a good king and a bad one. Henry was delighted by all the costumes and swapped between lamb, king, shepherd, and who knows what else with great determination. We opened presents next morning on our own personal early Christmas. Father Christmas humored us and came, bringing a wished-for board game for Davy and Eddy, a doll for Liza Bee, and some cars for Henry. It was a happy, simple affair.

Eliza had quite an exciting Christmas season, as she lost both her two front teeth right in time, as well as played a part in the ballet studio's Nutcracker performance. She loved being on stage, you could tell. The whole time she was beaming.

Halloween 2018

It may be the heat of summer talking, but I am thinking fondly of the coming Autumn. I love Fall. As I'm going through the backlog of photos (particularly that year of life where I was only really barely surviving, those pregnancy hormones really doing a number on me) I noticed that I never put up Halloween 2018. The kids really rose to the DIY expectation and made their own holiday pretty fabulous. I love seeing their alter egos come out in their costume choices and creations. Without further ado, here is an early/late Halloween photo reel.

Davy as creeper (did I get that right, son? Some sort of important Minecraft character . . . )

Eliza as ghost.

Eddy as Monopoly Man.